Longing Just To Bring Something That's Of Worth...

Make Believe

2006-08-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

Put on a fancy outfit. Let's just pretend.
Let's play make believe and maybe this moment won't end.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel it.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you never believed it.
I know you did...once.
Have those days come to an end?
Please tell me why we can't just pretend.

I don't want to think about tomorrow or the distance life has thrown us.
I'm ready...ready to fall into the unknown.
Ready to fall in your arms and discover TOGETHER all the things we don't know.

So let's play make believe....
Let's forget...this is all just a dream.
I'll be your queen...if you'll be my king?
Please. Just play make believe.
Then maybe we'll never have to wake up from this wonderful dream.
~Rachel~

Sorry if this offends

2006-08-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

(I guess I'll just say this beforehand...this is what I believe. I'm sorry if I offend. If I offend you or you disagree with me...just email me.But THIS is something I'm passionate about. )

Imagine this.
You’re standing at the gates of heaven when a young child runs to greet you.
Somehow you know this child…perhaps from in your dreams.
But then again…everything’s a little brighter here, maybe a little too bright to see.

Suddenly you realize it’s your unborn child’s hand you hold.
The life you so eagerly sold.
You remember back to that dark day…
The day you wrote off a little child’s unborn life merely by singing your name.

“It’s was my body! I believe in free choice!”
So, it’s YOUR choice to silence a little child’s voice?
You say it doesn’t matter yet, it’s not a living thing.
But wasn’t Jesus the one who said
“I knit you together in your mother’s WOMB…
I’ve numbered and planned ALL your days.”

This is your second time in that SAME doctors hall.
Just sign a few papers take a harmless tab…and that child is gone.

Your face is stern, not a tear shed.
You say “it was just a mistake…just a difficult circumstance.”
You say that unborn child is a mistake.
But killing a creation of God is NOT YOUR choice to make!

How many Einstein’s or Beethoven’s have been murdered merely because
YOU chose a path for them YOU wanted them to take?
You’ve not killed a potential life.
You’ve killed a LIFE WITH POTENTIAL.

I still love you. I love you regardless which path you take.
But, PLEASE…don’t kill this child merely because it was YOUR mistake.

That child is your own.
THAT child could have been the one you CHOSE to love and to hold.
Please…don’t rob this beautiful creation of a life worth living.
Alife Jesus has planned for them from the very beginning.

Please. Let this child have the chance to simply…LIVE.
~Rachel~

When everything is wrong...we move along.

2006-08-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt so lonely that all you could do was just sit in your bed, hide under the covers and cry? And then....this makes you feel even MORE alone.

That's how I felt last night. I don't really even know why either. I know I'm sorrounded by amazing people who truly do love me and want the best for me. So why am I so closed off emotionally? Maybe God's STILL breaking me down. I don't know. It's like I'm sorrounded by all the people who either :

I never QUITE fit in with...never WANTED to fit in with...but still wanted to fit in with? or

the people who I feel like I'm always failing. Who I'm dissapointing. I have such a fear of dissapointing people...and it seems like the more I'm afraid of it...the more I dissapoint and let other people down.

I want to be the perfect daughter, the one who never argues.
The one who has amazing grades.I want to be a good student leader....the one who never faulters in her steps.
I want to be a great friend...the one who ALWAYS has time. Always forgives. Loves unconditionally.

But...I'm not that girl.

I'm trying. I'll always be trying. I guess I'm just so tired of Failing again and again and again.

~Rachel~

Something I wrote at Hume Lake

2006-07-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Face down to hide the tears, sitting on this cold wet dew.
I miss you, I want you, I think I need you.
The past is hanging over me, stuck sitting in the present.
Wishing you were here, too.

Move past the laughs, past the tears.
You’re perfect. The only one I’d hold till forever.
Through ALL the years.
The only one to guide me through my fears.

I’ve tried to say the things I feel but they never come out the way I plan.
I’m scared of what I feel for you.
So scared of a broken heart in the making.
So scared what I feel…simply isn’t real.

Please…WAIT for me.

I keep all the letters, savor every word.
I kiss the stars goodnight, hoping to be heard.
I close my eyes…you’re here.

Never thought I’d miss you.
But here I am, I do.
Never thought my heart would jump.
I thought I was the strong one.

But here I am.
I was wrong.
For you…I’ve fallen.
~Rachel~

Tis a WONDERFUL Life...

2006-07-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

It's a WONDERFUL Life...
So, pretty much I'm gone all of this month. Technically I'm not at my house right now (shhhh...don't tell anybody.) And, I tell you...vacation can get tireing. My dad is going to attempt to take my stitches out this Saturday*frightened look* and I think I'll be able to work out again!!
I'm really nervous about this upcoming school year. It seems like highschool is going by so fast. Before I know it, I'm going to be out in the real world. I'm excited about that part don't get me wrong.
But....I have to get into college. GOOD colleges. I can't just rely on my talent for that....I have to be smart. It's like I have to read something 50 times before I ACTUALLY understand. I know I'm not stupid. But I'm not smart either. I'm" intelligent". haha. I don't know what's wrong with me. I try SO hard at it. It just doesn't come easily to me.

There's so much pressure. Sometimes it's really hard to handle lol. I try to live up to EVERYONES expectations of me...and then I end up failing at them all.

"Just be a little bit smarter. Hit those high notes. Look a little prettier. Be the leader. Got to go to all the church services."
I get so lost in people's(and my own) expectations of me that I end up not knowing what I CAN do.

I'm just me. I'm sorry if that bothers you. I like who I am...and I'm not afraid to be who I am. JESUS made me who I am...so if you don't like it...go talk to HIM about it. haha. Highschool.....haha.

But I guess...try a little harder, right? :). I guess I'll "just keep truckin." I'll keep smiling. God's in control. NOT me. I don't know what's ahead...but hey...I guess that's FAITH.

Life changes...it Goes on...and all we have to do...is SMILE

2006-07-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Hume Lake.
It was amazing. As always.
Getting back to the real world is fun. And I mean it....it really is fun.
Last night was the first night in over a month I've gotten 8 hours of sleep.
I'm on vacation with my family.

I have the coolest stitches ever. I get them out on the 15th.
I just figured out I have double jointed thumbs. *laughs*
And I can't stop smiling...it might have to do with the fact that I'm eating a 3 musketeers bar :). CaseyCotter...I love you.
Ashlee, I love you too.
Zach i'm praying for you and I love you as well.
Logan, you make me smile ALL the time :).
Laramie...you will always be my little pillow and point dancer.

Heck...I love you all!
~Rachel~

When I thought nothing mattered...

2006-06-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

So....we're back from Mexico.

God DID teach me things. It was an amazing trip, and I don't regret going. God's plan prevailed and what I failed to see...is that his "eye opener" for me...was in simply GETTING to Mexico. Realizing that I had to throw all other things aside, accept that I, Rachel Jackson had failed at something....and I had to put myself fully in the hands of my father. I learned that Communication...has very LITTLE to do with the language and words you speak. I learned I'm a selfish person who takes God for granted....and the Kids there taught me so many things.

Being in San Diego was hard. But through MUCH journaling and praying and talking to amazing friends *cough* CaseyCotter and Kirsten Pieters, I got through that too. When we went out to dinner on Saturday night Kirsten, Casey and I all dressed up!!!! Twas much fun.

and now.....sleep once more I shall.

I love you all,
~Rachel~

It's been a while, but still this heavy heart attemps to breathe on...

2006-06-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

God and me had a fight last night......

GOD WON.

We're leaving for Mexico on Monday Morning.....Early.

I'm excited, scared, stressed, tired, and lots of prayer has gone into this trip.

To be completely honest here....I'm still not sure what God's going to do with me on this trip. But somehow I know that in ONE moment, my entire outlook on life could be changed. That's what I'm praying for because honestly, it's still so, so hard. (most of you know what I'm talking about.)
It doesn't matter how wrong it is that I feel this way, I do, and right now, nothing can change that....So countless hours recently have been spent on my knees crying my eyes out haha. God...Here I am.....AGAIN.....

And I have no idea what you want from me.

But I know this trip will be amazing, because God knows more then me(amazing itsn't it?) Here am I Lord..........Send me. He has a plan. I'm just background noise.

being in San Diego...Is going to be a challenge for me I think.
WOW...ONE YEAR without hearing his voice, and yet...Knowing just about everything there is to know about him. And.....Guess what....He's amazing. Apparently God has a plan for that too. I wish I knew...So I wouldn't throw out my heart only to realize it very well might be trampled under horses.

But know this....When I'll be looking into the San Diego Sunset.......

You'll be on my mind.

~Rachel~

oh yeah...and CaseyCotter, I love you :)

This Summer(deticated to all you people)

2006-06-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

I really hope this summer is going to be....amazing. I don't want it to be one of those summer's that's waisted on frivolous things that will soon pass away.I really want to grow up alot in my faith. I'm so lucky I have freinds holding me acountable for this. Honestly guys..........if I'm EVER being a jerk or making your day suck please tell me. I don't want to be one of those friends people look back upon and just feel emotionally drained. I'm really going to try hard.
Because...I really DO love all of you. And I mean that. You are all so awesome, and I couldn't ask for better people in my life. So many times I know I take you for granted.

This next section is just deticated to all the people I know read this....

Ashlee, we've been through ALOT together....since we were five. We've yelled at each other, we've laughed with each other, we've cried with each other....and vented to each other. You're always there to pick me up and make me smile when I'm too tired to even raise an eyebrow. I hope that ONE day I can be as good as a friend as you've been to me. You are always there to not only encourage me when I'm doing something right...but tell me when I'm doing something out-a-line. I love you.

CASEY, It's been hardly six months since we've REALLY gotten to know each other......I feel like I've known you forever. Sure, we saw each other in passing...but these past six months or so....have been amazing. You have such an amazing spirit, and you are so talented. You never judge, and you understand everything...even when it's not said. I can talk to you forhours and it seem like it's been minutes. I love you enormously. And you are my sunshine on a cloudy day. The lucky in my charms. :)

LARAMIE, you have one of the most tender spirits that I've ever seen. You are so talented, and commited to everything you do, and everything you touch turns to gold. We joke about everything, as well as swoon over Mr. Darcy and cry over poems. Even when I've been the world's greatest jerk..........you love me. We may have our occasional tiffs, but with you, I always know the love you give is unconditional. You are so beautiful, and I hope you never let anyone tell you otherwise. I love everything about you, and there is not one thing I would change.

Lynette: You are always sooo much fun to be around. You were the best "sister" anybody could ask for, and you never failed to make me laugh. Even though we had a "jerry springer" family, we pulled through lol. You always encouraged me and made me feel right at home. I loved getting to know you, and I can't WAIT to do another show with you some time soon!!

Joshers....I've known you ever since I can remember. I remember you hiding from me, and I remember when your turtles dies and we did ceremonies for them. I remember when we would go to the "adult" parties...we would always hide under the tables and eat all the food we weren't supposed to. I remember when both our gradparents died...when we handled it in different ways......but we were both there for each other. Thank you so much for all the laughs and tears you've given to me.....your sarcasticness, genorosity and love for my family can always make me laugh and smile. I love you brother.

Zach....it's been an honor getting to know you over the last year(almost lol.) I feel like I've known you forever, and you're so easy to talk to. You've really and honestly made a HUGE impact on my life. What you say(both to me and in your poems) sticks with me. you make my bad days better and my good days great. You make harder things easier to deal with and I don't mean it lightly when I say I admire you. I can't wait to see what God is going to do with you both NOW and in the future. Thanks for taking the time to talk to a strange girl who you didn't even know lol. Thanks for never failing to write back, and thanks most of all...for just being YOU.

Logan...with YOu..it's always an adventure. I never have to worry about tomorrow, and you've showed me how to take one step at a time. You can always make me laugh. I love how you rant about being straightedge...then bring in your teddy bear to church. haha. you're always there to give encouragement and listen to a little freshmen confused girl. I'm going to miss you because you're old and HAD to graduate on me...thanks alot! lol. You're so intellegent, don't buy into the lie that you're not. You're one of the most creative people I've ever known....and I always love how I can steal your starbucks drink every Sunday. You're my muse buddy.

I canot say enough to y'all. You amaze me. I love you.

~Raye-Raye~

Here’s to all the failed romances, broken hearts, and for all the girls and guys who feel like idiots because they have unreciprocated feelings….

2006-05-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

Descending. Rising. Gleaming. Hoping. Praying.
Who can put a price on the beauty of the stars?
Who can see behind the rimmed curtains?
When it’s all unveiled what will be left but a few broken hearts and the romances that have prevailed.

Where is the line drawn to when your heart gives too much.
What happens when it all goes down the drain?
When will the breathing desist, and the heartache stop?
Will there ever be a time when it all doesn’t seem lost?

After all this time i still break down and cry.
They say I'm living in a dream world,
They say we'll never pull through.
But each day I die a little bit more for the feelings I hold inside for you.

I’m bruised.
With nothing to win, everything to lose.
Am I wasting the years I have?
Nothing to gain; just confused.
But you’ll never see the tears I cry because I slap on a smile and laugh.
Don’t cry, dear….don’t cry.

Feelings trapped inside a poem,
High school drama filling the air.
But it’s just so much easier to shut people out,
Then to actually accept that someone really DOES care.
~Rachel~

Guess what??

2006-05-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Its.................................................................................................................................................................

My Birfdai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha, Im 15. lol. I'm exicted.

~Rachel~

So I guess this is an "Update"

2006-05-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sunburned(I have a place for my puca shells on my neck.)
I'm exhausted,
I'm upset,
I need Dena to come home(one week is too long)
I had fun being home alone with my dad while the REST of my family abandoned us lol.
I need to watch something violent like the matrix,
I need to watch something romantic like the notebook,
Maybe I just need to dance to feel better,
Maybe I need to stop thinking so much about myself...

I'm a jerk 99.9% of the time. But isn't it so much easier to WRITE your feelings in a blog..then to actually DO something about it?
Rachel, Here's you're signal......JUST GO.

2006-05-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sunlight with the ever glow of beauty.
Took a walk down a different alley and lost my stride.
Forgotten all other options since the day two worlds chose to collide.

Perfect, but yet imperfect we chose to both love and hate,
The world doesnt understand,
We never thought it would turn out this way.

“There is no greater pain then a love unrequited”
But still the young heart carries on,
Leaving all doubts behind and omitted.

Until the winter when all life around seems to fade,
She sees the summer romance slowly slip away.
Still holding on she sees him drift further and further.

Taste my sorrow in my tears
Maybe one day well meet again and make up for all these years.
Will emotions swirl around?

When will this change, when will MY feelings fade.
Wanting to let go, but yet unable to detach the strings from my heart
Theyre forever a part of you……………………..
I knew this would happen right from the start.
Because when I met you I could not speak, my eyes failed,
I was neither living nor dead;Iknew nothing, And looking into the silence,
I knew……….I would forever care for YOU.

It makes me smile, it makes me cry
It makes my days worth while,
Makes my night a torment, hoping feelings will subside.
Will he ever know……how much he changed me?
~Rachel~

Oh, and CASEYCOTTER is staying with me for like 5 days!!! EEEEEE!!! should be buckets O fun!

Some things you probably didn't know about me...lol

2006-05-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

I love to talk about politics,
I have kinky curly hair,

I like Michael Jackson's crappy CD,
I only tan when I get 2nd degree burns,
When I DO tan...it's a weird tan-line....
The last tan line was ruffles.

I don't have many close friends,
I have a hard time expressing myself,
I like to go to starbucks and stay for hours.....STUDYING about things I'm interested in.

I own over 20 books about Hitler,
I bite my nails,
I don't eat any pig-related meats, because when I was younger we owned pigs,

I still own my daisy kingdom dress from 3rd grade,
I don't shave my legs in the winter (haha)
I ALWAYS get really nervous whenever I have to go on stage,
I have a titanic poster under my bed,
I still own all of my porcelin dolls....they are all still in my room,
I compare a "lasting relationship that is meant to be" to Cory and Tapanga on "Boy Meets World"

I'm insecure a lot of the times,
I'm easily hurt,
I HATE conflict,
I have identity issues,
I'm just trying to be...Me.
~Rachel~

T&M...ode To my Other halves.

2006-05-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

attention...this contains possible spoilers for people who either have not seen ALL the seasons of 24, or have not seen episodes 1&13 of season 5. But this goes out to my other halves...Tony And Michelle Almeida(as you probably know her...michelle dessler) We'll always love them. I guess the job that brought them together...tore them apart. You'll be in our hearts. :).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg_dviA30Ds

So tonight...

2006-05-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

I sang at the Atlantis.

Twas' fun, besides the fact that I introduced the song "America the Beautiful" as Beautiful America and AFTER the song....I tripped off the stage.

"HOME" went ok I guess. It was sad not having a piano there, and only having a crappy tape recording, but I think the singing went well.

I need to get out of these fancy clothes and out of my 9 inch heals because they are uncomfortable. I need to read my Bible and talk to my friend Jesus some. G'night all.
~Rachel~

When nobody else is daring to sing...THAT is when you open your mouth to sing the high notes.

Please Don't step on my heart...it's brusied.

2006-05-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of it all. I'm so done.

Robbie's message was so powerful today. So convicting. Of course already I was crying. Then all these things had to happen, Like 7 people had to come talk to me. ONE imparticular really made my night(not!)

Why doesn't he just leave it alone? why can't he just leave ME alone. I know that I'm bitter, but there is only so much forgiveness that I can give...only so much of ME that I can give. He's hurt me so much, he's screwed up friendships...and you know what, i did NOT ruin his life or "break his heart." But he keeps on doing it again and again! I'm so tired of it. My eyes can't cry any more tears. I know, I know...he's YOUR child, God, I should love him like a brother. But it's SO hard. But that's no excuse. I bet Jesus didn't have an easy time dying on a cross...yet he did.

NEW SUBJECT:(for clarification...this is NOT about the person above lol)
It's been almost 10 months...and the feelings have only gotten stronger. I feel like an idiot. I bet he doesn't even know. I don't know if he feels the same way. i know it's not for now...not for now. It hurts alot. And I know how retarded I sound. Maybe he feels the same way? who knows..maybe ONE day it'll all be explained, the TRUE feelings that have been hidden will come out. God's timing is hard to comprehend and accept sometimes lol.

Please pray for me...i'm going through ALOT right now. Alot of it i can't post here. Just...Pray.
"Please speak slowly my heart is learning,
Teach me heartache, STOP this burning."

Until God says yes...........................I wait.
~Rachel~

Makeup...

2006-05-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

I’m not one of those girls,
The ones who wear globs of mascara each day.
I play rough with the boys,
And I strum on my guitar to take away pain.

But to say beauty doesn’t matter to me would be a blatant lie,
Because sometimes I fall…I reach for the eye
Shadow and mask over my natural eyes.
Yes, I take the make up-and I run and hide.
Hide behind plucked eyebrows and lined lips.
I trade the pants in for a skirt, hoping they might take inches off my hips.

NO! But I’m not like “Those” girls…
Or am I?
I take a long time to get ready, I get so insecure
I practice my smile in the mirror,
And have 4 toothbrushes in my bathroom droor.

I’m one of those “hopeless Romantics” and I cry when I see beautiful trees.
Sometimes during worship, I can’t help but fall to my knees.

“Beauty” products surround my fluorescently pink and green room.
But what of beauty?
Well I guess it must start with Treseme shampoo.

No, I guess I’m not at all like the beautiful woman described in proverbs-
Because I can’t keep quiet, and lord knows I can’t sew.
But I can cook apple pie… that I know!

But God, do with me what you will-
Create in me a pure heart.
Make me beautiful…
But for You.

~Rachel~

Subscribe...it's awesome

2006-04-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

Listen to this. Seriously. Casey and I are sooooooooo coool....or not, lol.

http://web.mac.com/fashion_foward/iWeb/Site%202/Podcast/Podcast.html

Here's to EVER-CHANGING emotions...HIZZAH!

2006-04-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

Fashion show was bunches O' fun. And I'll have to take pictures...because I don't think I've ever looked this nice in my entire life. Ladies and Gents...I, Rachel Jackson...am wearing ALOT of makeup, lol...and mascarra(never knew my eyelashes were so long) oh yeah...and my hair is FULLY done. Oh no, not the messy bun...but fully done. And you want to know the COOL thing.....I like it better when I DON'T wear make-up and when I am wearing a baseball hat and jeans, lol. But I have to admit, it feels nice to look pretty for a change. :).

I'm feeling alot better than last post, lol..but I still don't really feel my "normal self." We went to starbucks today...saw Kyrie and Mark, I love them so that made me happy.

I wrote my support letters for Ensenada. I was honest. I didn't give a fake story of why I was going...I gave the real one. That was hard. Really hard. Because I had to state in the letter, to all these people that...Rachel...didn't make it. HARD. But I think that was good, and I had to have some seriousalone time with God after that...and...I needed therapy. JK.

Elizabeth Mattson is better! Praise God. That gave us all quite a scare, but I'm glad she's ok now. Man, whoever thought that a migrane..wouldn't be associated with headaches??! But still keep her and her family in your prayers please!

I love you all, and thank you so, so much for always putting up with me. (lord knows I'm like the Nevada weather...never know what emotion will come next.) I don't deserve to know all you wonderful people. You guys keep me going and you feed my fire. I love you. Thank you.
~Rachel~

Blah...

2006-04-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

So for the past week i haven't exactly been feeling my "Sunday Best." and to be honest...i don't quite feel it now either. I know I know, I should write some encouraging post to brighten up y'all's day, but I'm not feeling like that bright ray of sunshine right now. Sorry, go vent to Oprah about it.

ABS is tonight, whatever let it come, let it go. I'm not really excited or dreading it. It's just a whatever thing. Scooter is moving :(. I'll miss her, but I know this is where God's leading her, and i know she'll be amazing ,and she'll meet amazing people. I'm just selfish, so part of me wants her to stay here lol.

I'm tired of feeling....bleh. It's like ever day is coming and passing with nothing new. I can feel the change in me still taking place, and I'm happy for that. But will I ever reach a point in my life where I am completely sastisfied? I guess not. I just want a time in my life where i am JOYFUL...not happy.

I miss my Grandma. And please shut up all of you people who keep telling me not to cry because it happened, but smile because it did. No...that's not how you deal with pain! Let me cry...it's not like I am wallowing in my own self-pity. it's ok to miss someone. It's ok to cry. smiling does nothing but mask up a bruise that gets bigger and bigger. So...please...stop telling me just to smile. trust me, it doesn't work.

I love you all,
Rachel

Midnight Lover...

2006-04-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

So I actually wrote this a LOOOOOONNGGGG time ago. but last night I put music to it, and i'm very happy about how it turned out :). Except my dad thought i was crazy (or enlightened by the spirit lol) becuase he'd never head me play guitar before, lol. Anywho here it is.....

All it took was one shooting star to pass across the sky,
The light radiating over you and I.
Hold me in your arms forever,
Let's wish upon that same shooting star filled with ember.

Please tell me it's not too late,
Even though all I’ve given you is one limited embrace.
He’s so perfect, it drives me crazy,
Because all I’ll ever be is a plain Jane.
Tell me…are the pages of your journal filled with me?
It’s driving me insane.
Until forever….

Chorus:
Goodbye my midnight lover,
Goodbye to that shooting star,
Good by to that starry-eyed optimist.
Because this will never change….
I’ll always feel this way.

Who knows, maybe we’ll actually learn to hope.
Who knows, maybe we’ll lean to dream again!
Who knows…maybe we’ll just remember when.

There was magic in that sky,
You know there was…because two hearts magically intertwined.
I’ll miss the July nights, but here’s to all the reasons why….

Chorus:
Goodbye my midnight lover,
Goodbye to that shooting star,
Goodbye to that starry eyed optimist.
Because this will never change,
You’ll always feel this way.

He’ll never change….
He’ll never feel this way.
So dream my midnight lover,
I’ll pray for a change….
Maybe one day, you’ll also feel this way.

~Rachel Jackson~

My little town blues, are melting away....

2006-04-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

NYC is just so amazing. But at the same time...sad. The people that live here don't even look you in the eyes, and are absolutely SHOCKED when someone gives them a courtieous smile or simple thank you. While walking in the city all this time I've come to realize........people are so different here.

Do you really think it's just a coincidence that the city is covered in a shade of grey? no, I'm not talking about WHY, like the scientific and LOGICAL reasons why, I'm talking about the spiritual. It's so sad to pass the beggars, and to see the trash covering the city, and yet people push through you without giving a second thought about it. Every person that passes you has a different story to tell, and yet we overlook them all treating them as "homeless scum" drug addicts, homosexuals, or just "one more face in the crowd."

Have you ever thought of what it would be like to treat EVERYONE as....hey here's an idea....treat them as if

GOD LOVED THEM.
don't you think that make things just a little bit different?

I was sitting in the church in times square today. I don't want to be rude, so I'll just say...the church wasn't my style. But hey, not everyone is a sweet as my dad :). Since there were so many people at the church they took certain people into certain TINY TINY little rooms with.....a projector lol. So we SAW the service haha. But as I was sitting there, mentally cratiquing the service and the pastor's crappy sermon, and the stupid hymns....a girl came and sat next to me. She was african-american and was wearing a HUGE red hat and a red dress and cute red sandles. She sat next to me and first shook my hand and gave me a BIG hug, without even knowing who or what I was lol. She started singing the hymns as loud as she could, not caring that she was off-key or that people were staring. No....she didn't care. AS loud as she could she was singing "I've got a friend in Jesus, because Jesus has befriended someone like me." It didn't even matter that she was off-key, she was beautful. Her song was beautiful.Her HEART was beautiful.

During the sermon she would say her haleighluas and AMENS! Regardless that she was talking to a TV screen. She would say PRAISE THE LORD about every five minutes. During the sermon she offered me her bible, her pencil, she even asked if there was anything I needed. This girl didn't even know who the heck I was, and she was treating me like top class.............
'No she wasn't a part of the "staff" she was............
A First Timer Also.

I made a new friend today, a new role model. And....I never even heard her name. It was awesome :-) regardless of the church service in itself.

I'll be home Wednesday, but we're leaving 12:00 AM Tuesday(monday, lol) so I'll see y'all wednesday. I love you and miss you. And I will even MORE so......when I go to school here, and when I work here, and when I buy clothes here, and when I'm a street performer here, and when I live in a box here and........

~Rachel~

Ello' *said in cockne accent"

2006-04-10T08:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm ultra excited because.......................................................

"Start spreading the newsI'm leaving (tuesday)
I want to be a part of it, New York, New York!
These vagabond shoesAre longing to stray
And make a brand new start of itNew York, New York
I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap
These little town bluesAre melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it thereI'll make it anywhere
It's up to you, New York, New York.!"

Yes, my friends Rachel Elizabeth Jackson is going to New York on Tuesday! SHe's going to go see WICKED, and she....is going to cry alot because she's so excited! lol.

Ummm...I love CaseyCotter with a passion :) my little new york buddy. She's my sunshine and the lucky in my charms.

I love you all, and I'm so happy we're on spring break!! lol. See y'all soon! Lar-bear I'll see you in like an hour..

~Rachel~

Cindrerella....your fairy tale is up...

2006-04-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

Stars surround, lying on a bed.
So difficult to think when it’s nearly 2:00 am.
I left behind my glass slipper and now I want it back.
But somehow I know that prince charming will discover me; the glass shoe will never reach my grasp.

Was the fairytale a myth?
Or was it just an event to be left to chance?
Man, Woman, Myth, True….
What’s it all, when you’ve lost your shoe?

The “Ugly” stepsisters have found their beauty,
Now Cinderella is the ugly duckling, the one who’s lost al of her duties.
She’s the one who’s lost the shoe,
Shut away in an attic hoping for the fairy godmother to grant her something new.

Oh, it was a wonderful night while it lasted,
But midnight had to come; Cinderella was re-casted.
That elaborate carriages were only mere pumpkins.
Cinderella was not beautiful!
She was a plain country bumpkin.

OH, but Cinderella dance the night away.
For until midnight…you can still put on your play.
Your shoes are in tact, prince charming has not led your heart astray.

Oh, but Cinderella…..just wait.
~Rachel~

For Every Time there is a Season...

2006-04-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a LONG time I am truly an genuinely......happy. Yes, there's still crap that's going on...But that's life. Yes, I still hurt.....But without the tears, what is happiness.
I feel like people are falling in love with the real Rachel. Words cannot do justice of how amazing that feels. People love ME.

This has ALL been such a learning experience. I've looked back at the person I was over the summer, to the person I am today, and I think I have changed so much...And I do believe for the better. God has been chipping away at the hardest spots of my heart, and I would be lying if I didn't say it was the most painful thing I've ever felt. Jesus was driving razors into my eye sockets, just so I could get cut enough to wake me up. And....It hurts. But Jesus, I know you're not NEAR finished with me. This is only the beginning. Shape me and mold me into the girl YOU want me to be. Because, God....Everything on this earth...Is meaningless; a chasing after the wind.

Planet wisdom this weekend was awesome. I had a lot of time to think and pray. I had a lot of time to cry. A lot of time to talk. A lot of time....To walk it off. It was so great. God and I had a long chit chat. We had coffee together :). Plus Jeff trying to kill me with crazy wasabi and trying to throw me to the seals, trying to take out my eye with redvines, and almost killing me during our card games. Yes...I think our youth pastor is a murderer. lol.

"For every time there is a season..." Thank God....SEASONS. Comes and goes. Enjoy life y'all...No matter what's happening will pass. Whether it's good or bad.

I love you all.
~Rachel~

Emotions..

2006-03-30T16:51:00.000-08:00

Hurt,
Sad,
Angry,
Confused.
Rejection...Is overwhelming. Especially when it comes from the ones you love and trust the most.

I don't want to become bitter.....But it's so hard when you're facedown crying your eyes out.

I'm so weak.........So tired........
I think I'm done............
Jesus....Please tell me you use the weak to overcome the strong. Daddy.......

catch my tears.

Wishful Thinking

2006-03-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

I wish I didn't hurt like this over him anymore..............
I wish I could just tell him how i feel, I wish he was here,
I wish he cared.
I wish he knew how much i cry over him
I wish he knew how stupid I feel about this
I wish I could just be there for him......for all the LITTLE things.
I wish I knew why God brought him into my life.
I miss you....
I wish you knew

For now confusion is the overpowering muse-
The role fate always seems to choose.
I’ll be blown away by the clouds,
Just one more face to you in the imbued crowds.

Crystal Teardrops please refuse to fall!
Acknowledge that your walk…has now become a crawl.
Don’t loose heart; the innocent morning has not been defiled yet.
Did you know that I’ve felt this since the day that we met?

I’m calling your name, do you even hear me?
I guess it’s in the hands of the one who TRULY understands.

You’ve captured my young and gullible heart-
So for now until forever Darling…
I guess I’ll remain distant from you.
In all reality, I guess I just want to be with you.

....Hearts, Emotion, LIFE.....

2006-03-21T21:47:00.000-08:00

We say our HEARTS are the ones that love. But yet...Our hearts technically have no emotion. SO why do we say that?
My opinion is:

The heart is what holds the body together. Without the heart....There is no life inside the body....It's dead.

Same with LOVE. Love holds our lives together. Without love there is no life. Because a Life without love is meaningless and dead.

If we never love we would never have a broken heart......

Or a COMPLETE one.

Signed:

simply a lunatic with a half decent writing formation

Even in the busiest moments...I'm begining to see

2006-03-20T20:53:00.000-08:00

Everything is becoming more clear......
Thank God.

2006-03-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

So...Wow. It's been a while. Talk with Robbie=MUCHO good. Even though we met on THURSDAY in stead of TUESDAY, but whatever. After a long walk...And a LONG talk with God, and reading lots of the bible. I think I'm beginning to become a little better. Don't get me wrong...There's still lots of crap going on, and I don't feel my Sunday best, I'm feeling better.

I talked with Logan for like an hour a few days ago....And that was awesome. I'm so glad that I know him.....When you've known someone since 2'nd grade, then you FINALLY start to get close to them...That's awesome, LOL. And it TOTALLY helps that he's 3 years older than me, so he knows a lot more.

I'm going to NEW YORK with CASEYCOTTER!!!!! YAY!!!! I'm super excited! Why you ask? Because I love her, she's the best...And honestly she is one of my BESTEST friends. It's funny....A DEATH brought life...To a friendship. I can't imagine 24 night without casey...She is so amazing. In Acting, in friendship, in capturing my worst moments on camera....Everything, LOL. And to say the least...I love her.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all of you that have stuck by me during this time. That have gotten to know the REAL me. I'd rather people hate me for who I am than LOVE me for who I'm not. And YOU guys...Have loved me for who I AM.

~Rachel
Sidenote: I have the new pics up! Click on the link towards the bottom entitled "pics" haha

... I will Never Forget You, I can feel it when I look back on those letters and simply reminisce...

2006-03-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be a part of it anymore...................................
Please pray for me. I know it probably sounds so ridiculous to you all....But I'm just not me. I can't really even explain what I'm feeling right now, but all these emotions came flailing at me all at once. The door I thought was closed on my old pain....Decided to slam right in my face.
I'm meeting with Robbie Tuesday and maybe just talking it through will do me good. I can't even seem to get the proper words out without crying..........It bugs the crap out of me.

Rachel, you're the example....Remember?! You are the one people come to for advice! Falling...Is a dangerous thing. Crying...Is just one more sign pointing to your weakness. I keep trying to tell myself to get over it, just shake it off like you've done before. But this time, I can't even fake a smile....I know it's ridiculous.......But yes...these few things have made me feel so...Alone

The worst part.....I'm beginning to become numb.

~Rachel~

I don't want to fight you anymore

2006-03-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to write to please the readers...I'm going to right how I feel.

She gets her popularity from the drama she's a part of...
If she starts it....Well then that's even better. Go ahead...Attack ME, because I'm a still target.

Sierra Pines was downright amazing. I love 4-6 grade girls..Maybe because I can relate to what they're feeling...Or maybe it's just my way of giving back. I really don't know why..And honeslty I don't think it's always so important to know why you are in love with something...That's what makes the love exciting. Yes, Jesus gave me these desires...The journey is paved with remarkable answers to shy the desires are placed there.

I don't just want to love...I want to AGAPE.

I'm praying about Africa. For the past 2 years I have been praying about missions....Here am I, Lord, send ME..Is what I've been going for. But yet..God hasn't called me to it...He tells me to wait. But then..When I heard about Africa...My heart stopped...For split seconds I had butterflies. I'm praying about it...I need to know that it was God's voice I was hearing...And not just the desires of my heart.
Yes...I can answer the interview questions in all the right ways...But if my heart is halfway in it, then please God...DON'T let me go. I just want to be used for YOUR glory, not the selfish wants of my own. Yes, I love the spotlight. Jesus...I want to become less, I want to magnify YOU, but yet I know how often I fail at that.

CHANGE....Not a change of attitude, a change of HEART. Not just knowing the answers....Not just kneeling at a cross....But realizing that all my faults were nailed to the very cross I am offering unworthy prayers at.

COMPETITIVENESS...Stop competing with the mirror. Stop competing with the stereotypes...Stop falling every time you are hit in a soft area.

Yes; these are the things I'm praying about...Be patient, I'm human.

~Rachel~
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of GOD is FULL of living power, it is sharper than the sharpest sword. It's words cut deep into our souls. We are no longer able to conceal ourselves behind the mirror that has been placed in from of us. It exposes us for who we really are and nothing in all creation can HIDE from Him.

The Broken Rose...

2006-03-02T21:24:00.000-08:00

She was the most beautiful rose in the entire garden,
Her lips were blood red, her deep blue eyes pierced to the very depth of your soul.
She loved you…only you.
You took her petals, you broke her heart.

Now you see her face in such a crowded place,
Eyeliner is runny, eyes sunk inward.
Those eyes that tell all…are full of pain now….
Those petals were all wasted on you.

She walks the streets,
You pass her everyday,
She’s the one we all are.
The girl who falls for pitiful one-liners and cheep one-night-stands,
We cry….we sit against the church walls,
Maybe we’d get up if we weren’t so afraid to fall.

Her rose has faded…she blends in with the weeds,
She turns to go home, but soon realizes she’s all alone.
Like her love without devotion, she’s empty…she’s done.
She was swept away by her false lover, she gave him her petals.
All that’s left of her…is her thorns.

She’s the one that mothers tell their daughter’s to shy away from,
The villain in the storybooks, that’s what she had become.

She yearns for heaven,
For an outstretched arm,
Forgiveness is foreign to her,
She’s lost every ounce of her former charm.

She knocks on a church door, faces are staring,
Whispers are rising, giggling is heard.

The preacher lays a soft hand on her arm,
She turns to hide the tears but he only prays.
She comes to the cross…she kneels face down,
She knows she’s a wretch…but she knows she’s been found.

Yes, she’s the one statistics proved would fail,
But here she is now…..her petals are pasted…
We ALL are lost, but JESUS took our petals and exchanged them…
For a NAIL.
~RACHEL~

3 thoughts from my "special" mind.

2006-02-26T14:29:00.001-08:00

We call it "falling" in love because we feel the impact when we hit the bottom.

Why is it that we call our friends "PEEPS" when peeps are the ones we like to blow up in the microwave? hmm...Isn't that Ironic?
haha..Find the deep meaning in THAT one lol.

So right now I'm feeling in a haze. Like there's really nothing more that I am doing other than living. Why is it that my writings tend to reflect the deepest part of me. I'm so tired of being "the professional." I feel like I'm not being pushed....But at the same time I'm trying to set standards for me...That are next to impossible to keep. I don't even know if this makes sense, probably not. I tend to NOT make sense a lot....That bugs me. On the outside I can play the role of happy-go-lucky, when really on the inside, I'm bleeding.

I love all of you guys. I know I fail to show it so many countless times.
~Rachel Jackson

LOOONNG week...

2006-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been so tired that you couldn't sleep? Last night I felt like that. During the entire day my mind was in a fog, and when I was finally able to go to sleep, I couldn't lol. Luckily I've been able to go on a lot of walks lately. The Genoa mountains have almost become like a haven for me. I love to just sit up there for hours. Sometimes writing, or praying, but most of all just thinking. There's just so much beauty all around....It never stops amazing me watching the leaves turn colors or the gentle blossoms breaking free after a long, hard winter. So I was sitting up there the other day just crying. Writing is my anti-drug haha. I wrote this:

River streams why do you haunt me?
Why are your waters so clear, so beautiful?
Dancing along the mountainside, wild and free
I wish, oh I wish that stream were me.

Pure and clear,
Unblemished and free
Oh but then again, I do not see all the impurities others see.

Whose is that face in the mirror?
What facade is this that Ive brought upon myself?
So many questions, so little to say
Why doesn't this heartache ever go away?

It's like a constant battle with you and me,
But you, the facade always seem to win over me!
Break free butterfly, open up those weary eyes,
Come from the cocoon to dance along these wild streams.

One more lousy poem is written,
One less person by me is forgiven.
Brokenness is what I've prayed for,
Here it is, I'm on the floor.

Drenched in my own tears,
Writing on a mountaintop,
Here I am world, hit me with your best shot.
~Rachel

Happy Valentines Day...

2006-02-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been reading a lot lately and suddenly it hit me; The "love" portrayed in movies and in romance novels are like roses:They are beautiful, and wonderful...While they last, but they quickly die away. Then the movies never show the broken petals that are being stepped on, the mess they leave behind and the pieces of the flower that keeps trying to be put back together! I don't know if that makes ANY scense at all, but that's just what has been on my mind.

Be careful about how many times you say "I Love You." those are words that you can't take back. It kills me when people are age throw around those words with each boyfriend that passes by. "I Love You," should not be said to a different person each week. But then I thought to myself things happen! Divorce happens, death happens. So I'm not saying that you can only love ONE person in ONE lifetime. But what I am saying is that when you say "I Love You," you are leaving a VERY important part of your heart with that person. When you eventually find "The One" what part of your heart will be left? The fragments, the broken pieces pasted back together, the petals on the floor. I don't want to preach to you, I'm the last person in the world to truly understand "love." but that's just what I've been thinking about.

Anywho, on a lighter note, I get to babysit 4 of the most adorable children ever tonight! So this valentine's day I have FOUR of the bestest valentines! haha. I hope that you all have a great night with the person that you care about. TRUE Love is a beautiful thing, one of God's greatest gifts. Afterall...He taught us how to love.

Have a wonderful Valentines Day!

~Rachel Jackson~

Fragmented Bits of a Broken Reality...

2006-02-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

So I've been thinking lately (I know it sounds dangerous!) but we treat God like a vending machine...Good, but only when you're hungry. He's like the chocolate chips on your cookies: There nice to have, but only when you are out of the pumkin spice! (haha) Here this is....here's our life.

I don’t understand your timing, Lord
It’s likely that I never will.
I’m bruised, I’m broken my heart is on the floor.
But, yet no matter how many times it’s stepped on, it dares to ask for more.

Can you fix it, Daddy?
Promise Daddy that you’ll never forget me?!
Tell me a story! The one about Noah!
“Haven’t you heard that I’m here whenever YOU need!”

Hey, father, I’m fine now. You can let go!
Hey Jesus…I think I’m better off on my own.
This thing isn’t really for me, you see
“My Child, no matter what I still will not forget you,”
But your stories were all just make-believe.

Daddy…I’m back,
Here’s my bruised soul,
I’m back into the place where I never said I’d go.
Can you fix it? My broken soul, that is,
Didn’t you know that you’re the only one who mends?
Here’s my love song Jesus! Won’t you take it!
“Didn’t you know I’M the one who never will forsake you?”

“My child, how many times you fall!”
But, Abba! I never heard your call!
I dare to cry out, to shake my fists at the only one who cares….
“My Child…I am still there”
Is that you, God?
~Rachel

No Other Place Feels Like Home...

2006-02-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

Ignite was amazing...

Ashlee, Brooke and I stayed up the entire night, then watched the beautiful sun rise. We were pretty much insane the next day, but thank the Lord for coffee :). I am officially banned from ever playing capture the flag at our church after the last time...I have dislocated a knee, broken a toe, and Taylor isn't ever having children. Oops. So I just stayed out of it on Saturday lol. The speaker was sooooo amazing, and to top it all off he was from CANADA!!!! Eh? haha. He said so many of the things that I had needed to hear, and I was able to let go of some burdens that I have been carrying for a long time. Praise God.

The Prayer Labyrinth....Wow. Tears for hours. Jessie and Casey and so many others were so helpful, it was so cool to just be able to cry with them, they were just there for me. That was astounding. I love them. It's so cool to have a healthy youth group. Robbie and Jeff never cease to amaze me, our youth group has come soo far in the short time they've been here, and I'm so excited to see what God is going to do with it in the future. Plus...Having someone else on STAFF who is obsessive about "24" pretty much can make me smile at any moment.
I never feel like I have to put on a facade around them. That....That is an azazing thing. For the first time in a while I feel like being me is something to smile upon. And being brought to tears every weekend during worship, the message or what not is an incredible bonus.

Does God's timing ever make you super upset? Because it makes me mad! haha. So many road blocks he throws in front of me...In so many different areas. But He's the boss, and that's something I'm working on...Not being a control freak. With God...He's incharge. Man...If I could get that through my head a lot of things would be a heck of a lot easier! But that's when I realize how selfish of a person I am. Instead of complaining about myself...Why don't I stand up to help someone? I guess that's another obstacle I'm working on. Until whenever....
My Hands, My Heart, My life...They're yours, God.
Here I am Lord. Send ME.
:)Rachel:)

From My Heart...Nothing More

2006-01-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

We're past this lonely highway,

The one we seem to drive down every day.

Is there a reason why I never seem to move past my mistakes?

I just want to be free of all that enslaves me,

And just move on to be someone real.

To be free to dance and sing with all that is within me.

To offer my unworthy gifts at a place of mercy, to a place where I am able to truly see.

Sweet redemtion cover me once more,

Help me grow from my mistakes, help me learn what I am here for.

Take me higher, I am ready to let go.

Oh God of mercy, Your are a God of never-ending hope.

How you find value in something as sinful as me,

Has always been an utterly astounding, captivating mystery.

You pick me up from me feet, you turn my slow walk into a run.

God, I am nothing.

Take these broken wings, This staggered flight-plan

Only with you I am able to stand

Take my hand, captivate my heart,

I'm at your feet....

At the fragments of your cross,

The place where your blood was shed for someone like me,

I finally see who it is I am meant to be,

For all my sinful desires, and for all my wretched unworthiness,

You find value in me, you give me life.

For all the fragmented pieces of the cross,

comes your redemtive love, hope,

And Grace.

~Rachel~

Remember...

2006-01-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

WhenI decided to put green streeks in my hair.

When I cut my hair to look like shirley temple...then Ashers cut it the same way, haha.

When Dena made me bow down to her....then I turned right back around and made ashlee bow down to me.....hahahhahahahaha....sorry Ashlee.

When Kim stuffed out matresses in the shower at hume, the Leah saw the matresses i the shower, and took a shower with the matresses anyway.

When Ariel went streaking trough our cabins and ran into the cabin leader.

When Our cabin at sierra pines TOTALLY inihlated travis' cabin....and nobody but travis ever knew....hehehehe.

When we played "body parts" at sierra pines as the couselor...and...well you know the rest, lol.

When Laramie stole all my clothes from the shower at camp....and I had to figure out how to walk back. :)

When we said I got stuck in a tree...then I really DID get stuck in the tree.

When Laramie and I used to play dress-up...then walk to the store, lol....

When we went to hume...the first night I walked into the GUYS cabin....not the girls.

When Ashlee and I decided not to dress up at all at EITHER sierra pines or hume lake....and looked incredibly ugly, lol...we have renouced those ways...ok...they have renounced those ways, lol. Why ANYBODY talked to us...I'll never know, lol...ashlee, you still looked beautiful as always :)

When Ashlee, Richelle and I decided to ask every respectable guy at sierra pines and Jeness..and to some extent HUME....to marry my sisters. haha

I love thinking of all my memories with you guys...from the times when we realied we were talking about "confedential" things...with our mics. on....to walking my balcony to try and be lke ANNE SHIRLEY....I have so many amazing times with y'all...thank you sooooo, sooo much for putting up with such an insane child!!! lol....I love you guys!

So I wasn't the murderer...

2006-01-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

So at Aaron's Murder mystery party...I was not the murderer :( lol. Ashlee was!!!! That dirty dirty sinner!!!! haha. So the Birthday party was fun...I had fun playing "Renata Beavis" the control freak. (I was almost offended at that.) My costume was really fun to pick out and I had the coolest socks ever!!! The birthday cake was super fantastic.

I FINALLY got my sweet camera...An I accidentally took this one picture of my socks and shoes...Turns out it is the raddest picture ever because I look like the wicked witch of the west. I'll have ti figure out how to work the camera with my computer...Because computers hate me...In fact...All electronic things hate me.

The relationships series is awesome so far, and tomorrow I get to do pretty much the funniest drama ever. (that may be because I wrote it...And it IS my life, lol...No, I'm not biased!) I get to come to church in my pajamas, and then I get to change into real clothes. Ashers...Call me, because YOU never pick up your phone!!! What is with you and Aaron not picking up? Is it because you have caller ID? What scares me even more is that if I send an e-mail to one of you...you respond within the hour, lol...But my messages NEVER get returned!!! lol.

Not been writing much lately...I have no time, really. (Yes...I say that while I am writing a blog) so I'll have to write again when I have more inspiration, lol...

I Just Want You To Keep On Dreaming...

2005-12-28T10:01:00.000-08:00

Keep that head full of dreams. Never Grow up. Never fail to think that you're a someone. I hope that if the world dashes your dreams to the ground, I'll be there to help pick up the fragment and help put them back together. I hope I would be the kind of friend to listen instead of speak, to acknowledge the times when silence is the only medicine that heals.

I hope we always stop to watch the starry nights or to feel the winds gentle breeze in our hair; To sink in the pink sunrise and to just watch the rain splash against a windowpane. Just be silent and listen, keep your dreams, don't hide them away. I'll be here, I hope with all my heart that I'll listen. If we all just took a little time to look around and see the starry nights....If we never fail to wish upon that ONE shooting star, then we would have no reason to doubt our creative, artistic, loving God.

And I believe that Fairies can be our guardian Angels, I believe that mermaids enchant the ocean, I believe dreams really do come true. I believe that Peter Pan...Never grew up.

~Rachel

2005-12-25T00:34:00.000-08:00

Merry
Christmas!!!!!

Here's To Our Journey...

blah blah blah...

2005-12-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

So Getting ready for Chrismas is always stressful but enjoyable, I have to say that I cannot beleive how quickly it came this year. So I wrote this a few days ago... for no apparent reason, just it was something that had been on my mind....here goes

Nameless faces and countless dreams,
Wishing for someone to hear their cries, to look past the one-sided way that it seems. Looking for an answer to why we’re here on earth,
Hoping maybe one person would acknowledge the reason for their birth.

Struggling to find the answer to life,
There’s got to be more,
There’s got to be a reason to live for.

We discount their answers and disregard their problems,
We have our own problems, our own dreams to see,
Why do they need to talk to someone like me?
Isn’t it enough that we share these small little corners of OUR earth?
Why be a hero to all the nameless faces, to the countless cries,
Isn’t it enough for me to have to listen to all the world’s longings and all its lies.

Be a hero because Jesus was yours,
Isn’t it enough that he came to give you more?
When you hear the outcries when you see the tear-stained faces,
Reach out to them; show them what the reason for living is for.

Take their hands and dive in together,
Show them the hero we all need,
Show them there’s more than life’s stormy weather.

Leave a legacy behind of how you want to be remembered,
Maybe you’ll conquer the world, or maybe you’ll save a life.
Maybe you’ll only show one person how to conquer their sorrow or their strife.

Don’t loose heart if still your face seems insignificant and nameless,
For if you’ve been a hero you’ve made a legacy far more significant in a place called Heaven.

~Rachel

We should have more British Actors in America...

2005-12-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

Narnia was amazing! Dena and I got really in to it, and it was so cool to see the movie with my whole family. I think that book was the first book that ever inspired my interest in reading and writing. I can't even explain how cool it was to once again SEE that story com to life. C.S. Lewis is amazing, and every time I read something of his, I feel so challenged. I STRONGLY advise you ALL to see it, once it starts, you are totally sucked into it and you should have no hope of getting out of that mind set for at least two hours AFTER you see the movie.

I've written a lot in the past two days, it's amazing how when you just scribble down random words of what your feeling, finally those feelings make scenes. I love writing my thoughts and ideas down for others to see. I can write for hours and hours and never get tired of it. I thank God for that....Because I can't do Math or Science to save my life! LOL. I'll have to find more time to describe in depth of what's going on, or how much I miss all of you guys, and most of all to finally post some more poetry, or just more of Rachel's random thoughts.

God is good, no matter what...Seek him first and never forget to look at God's plan through HIS eyes, it's amazing what we'll see if we actually follow that simple rule...

Too Many Things For ONE Subject Line...

2005-12-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

So....I have been totally busy with school lately, but I think that school is going well. It has snowed TWO times and that makes me very happy...I woke up to snow this morning!!! It was AWESOME, it made my entire day better.

I'm addicted to TEA but my philosophy is that...There's worse things to be addicted to right?! Small groups were AMAZING last night. I really love Scooter and Richelle. Even though I missed Macenzie and Emeline. Scooter took Richelle and I to starbucks before small groups last night and that was awesome. I got to see a couple of my theatre friends who work there. You really learn to miss those theatre people when you're not doing shows with them. Thank the Lord for Web pages and E-mail.:D.

Thanksgiving was INSANE but fun. Somehow I think that there can never be QUIET when there is 11 teenage GIRLS in ONE household. Even At five thirty in the morning there was hustle and bustle (I learned never to sleep on the couch.) I'm so happy that all my family is coming back in. It'll be nice to see Jennifer and actually get to talk in person again.

While I was in CA I saw Pride and Prejudice...It was AWESOME! Currently my favorite movie. My sister, cousin and I were the only ones laughing in the theatre (it might have something to do with me reading the book FOUR times and seeing the mini series to many times to count) Needless to say I love the story line and Jane Austin is my FAVORITE author. There is just something about how she can bring the characters to life.
I'll have to post back l8er to tell you moe of what's going on...There's a lot going on, lol...Some good and some not so good, but hey, that's what makes life interesting.
As Always,
Rachel

Not Enough Words...

2005-11-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

Lost in trying to find words that will describe you,
Crying these tears of joy for what I’ve found anew.
In the darkness, but surrounded by light
I’m breathing this aroma, this sweet aroma.

God, how can I even find the words legitimate enough for you?
As I fall on my knees in deep adoration I stop to listen to your voice.
I’ve found that there is more to this life than simply trying to find a reason to live.
Look deep into my soul and see my mistakes, and what do you do…you forgive.

I have a reason to live for,
A reason to give for.
Still take me back again,
Because only you can help me make it to the end.

Endless Journey of praising you
I can hardly wait to stand there and fumble over the words that describe you.
I’ll not find enough, not ever.
Even when I think I’ve said everything possible, my heart will skip a beat only to that that you will never sever yourself from me.

Take me as I am Jesus,
You know who I am,
Love so perfect so divine, unblemished, and pure.
You’re the one I’m reaching for, take my hand.
Take my life, it’s yours.

~Rachel

Wow...

2005-11-06T23:02:00.000-08:00

This week has been CRAZY!!!!! lol. I've had rehearsals every night and then on Saturday we finally opened the show. I was EXTREMELY nervous (so much in fact that I threw up, lol) and then when the curtains opened I finally got to become "HODEL" for three awesome hours. Nobody dropped the bottle in the bottle dance...so nobody had to act out their excitement, Marcus and I were so proud of ourselves for developing chemistry, and my entire stage family did an absolutely amazing job. Ashleigh made me cry during her scene, Jim mad me cry during our scene. But best of all...we had a great time together, just lke a real family.

I never thought it could come together that well!! But then again, you know what they say about the power of a live audience. And I think all in all it proves itself to be true. I only have one pick-up rehearsal this week, (beides the shows on the weekend.) but I will get some time to rest up for the next time around. To be honest...I miss my fiddler family already. I will be such a basket case when it's all through...oy veigh!!!! lol.

I so happy that I can be in a small group now. I think that accountability will be amazing and it will slowly ween me off of my sister, (considering she is leaving me like the other one did!!! JK.) but in the end...this week has been amazing and The message was awesome this Sunday, and I hope to talk to you all l8er. Love ya!!
~Rachie-Pachie

The most "Eclectic" person ever!

2005-10-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

So last night I was laying down on my pink bedspread, hugging Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy, (my yellow rabbit.) reading a romance novel. But I will not fail to mention that I was wearing reindeer pajama pants, a hume lake tee-shirt and a cowboy hat and pok-e-dot socks...all the while listening to "Dead Poetic." hmmmm.....they have classes for these kind of things right?
~Rachie-Pachie

The days....

2005-10-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

Take a moment....think back to the 50's. The time of wholesome school dances...mothers vacuuming in their pearls :) and the time when guys and girls would have ONE maybe three highschool sweet hearts. Don't get me wrong...I think some great thinkgs have happened in our society since the 50's and before...and their were the few exceptions of teens in rebelion...or street gangs and of course there was still the amature drinking etc. but think of today's world...
Kids getting involved with drugs as early as the sixth grade and even before. Cable TV provides what any child or teen can fill there mind with day to day. CONSTANT disrespect for our parents...and frankly the "Jesus" thing...is for old people. You pick up the newpaper....you turn on the TV...what is it that you hear or see? BAD NEWS AND GARBAGE.

Everything was so different back then! With every year our society grows worse and worse. Just look at the movies that hollywood is producing, and the connections that the internet is providing. Children in the 6'th grade being exposed to things like pot!? It's ridiculous! What is OUR generation going to do about it? Are we going to let it get worse and worse...or will we TAKE A STAND!? And of course we can't control the actions of everyone...but let us not become DESENSITISED to the culture! it's so easy to accept things nowadays. The bible NEVER will become out-dated, so it's rules stand FOREVER AND ALWAYS. no matter WHAT the culture says. I for one hope that I will step out and be the person GOD created me to be. Have a PURE heart and spirit. Be a WITNESS for MY DADDY! I want him to be able to look upon SOMEONE and be able to smile...and if everyone else falls to the culture...I pray that I will not. I pray that if all else fails Jesus will still smile down on me. Even through the sins that I know I will commit...I pray that I'll come back to my pure CHILD heart...the one that was always intended to be....PURE, PEACFUL, LOVING.....

~RAchel

The heart of someone truly human....

2005-10-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

On the brinks of giving up…not being able to let go.

Fearing a life that is in front of me and clinging to the one that I don’t want to show.

Behind closed doors and behind our smiles

What is it that happens in the dark of our thoughts?

When the skies are blue my heart seems to be gray

And in the bitterness of my mind I turn away.

Unable to face my true self…the one that only Jesus sees,

I can’t bear to look on his face for his mercy utterly astounds me.

Holiest of holies and the God above everything,

Willing to not only forgive,

but to love someone like me.

A mind of unpure thoughts foolish actionsIs the heart I give Him to look upon.

Lord of everything, Show me the way…unfold my path.

Let me walk upon it in YOUR confidence, And if necessary show me your wrath.

I am willing to be broken in order to be restored,

I’m bracing myself in you now,

and I am prepared to take the long and hard road.

The road that will lead me to the place I desire…HOME.

YOUR home for me!

For in that home I shall learn to make my dreams.

Goals I will set…goals I will try to keep.

Because in you Oh God…nothing is out of my reach.

I love you…even when I don’t show it.

An undying passion for you is the first dream I shall make…

~Rachel

On a slighty brighter note (LA) I took awesome pictures that I shall soon post...maybe...cherio!

Movie Marathons...Bruises...tired...

2005-10-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

Wow...the subject line pretty much said it all, lol. I am having lots of rehearsals for "fiddler" which I love...although it does provide clumsy people *cough cough* with lots of bruises.

Ok...tomorrow will be TUBILAR! Lacey, Dallas and I are having a "Lord of the Rings" marathon...that means countless hours of crying...and being scared...and acting like complete lunatics! YAY...we're good at that.:) so..it's going to be amazing and lovely. And...pray for me...cause I am SOOOO sick with ALLERGIES!!!!!!! ahhh! I'm going insane! (eh...what else is new) so I'll see you all Sunday!! I LOVE YOU!!! :)
~RaChIe-pAcHiE

when all else fails...

2005-09-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

HEY ALL,

my name is Rachel. I love to do musical theatre and LOVE to write.
In geting to the point, you must know that I have bought clothes to fit in, not stood up for what I believe and have turned on my best of friends. But through all of this I have found that I Need JESUS. Becuase I am nothing...and he is everything. How he can continually forgive and forgive someone like me is a complete and total mystery to me. ANd all I can really say to that is completely...BREATHTAKING.
My dad said this to me the other day and I really think that it stands true...the Christian life is not about PERFECTION...but about PURSUIT. That's what I am trying to do...pursue perfection even though I know I'll never make it. God is truly amazing and I love finding more and more about him each day but I have to admit that sometimes this fire fades..somedimes my passion for him is dim and hard to see....but every day I fall only to be picked up by a truly LOVING and FORGIVING savior....

10-3-05
Decisions....
Sometimes I just sit and wonder.
Wonder about the birds in the sky,
How God gave them a melody to sing and gave them wings to fly.
They soar up in the air and they don’t worry about tomorrow.
Nature holds so much beauty and wonderAwaken me to the beauties that surround me.

God I’m tired of walking.
I just want to run!
Weary of being silent all I want to do is sing!

Sing of your wonders and sing of your creationHold it dear and open my eyes to Your sensations.

What holds me back?
Is it that I’m afraid?

Holding to something that seems so meaningful But only to realize that I already have it all.
It’s always been in my grasp but to much in my hands was I unwilling to let go.
Your wisdom, love and care will always stand right in front of me
But it’s my choice to choose whether I’ll try and see.

Let not the aspects of the world change my mind
But only to forevermore realize that I am one of a kind.
Made from your flesh and chosen by heart
I know that whatever happens You will always give me a new place to start.

You feed the birds in the sky and give them a place to liveHow much more will you do for me,
A child of yours who you CHOOSE to love and adore.

And I hope that I’ll not fail to mention that I’m the one who makes the mistakes and decides to leave it in the back of my mind.
But no matter what I do or say.
I am STILL HIS one-of -a kind.
~Rachel